Wow. I don’t think any other gifset in the history of gifsets has ever caused me more pain than this one…
8 years… Oh how much you have changed in that time span. How much you have endured. How much you have lost. The wounds you have been carrying growing ever deeper, never healing. Never even starting to turn into scars, because they always remained wide open. Delicate. Fragile. Oh so vulnerable. And yet you were still able to find things worth smiling about, things worth being excited about, things that made you want to be alive. Your eyes wide, filled with such hope, such hunger. Craving for love and adventure, for “saving people and hunting things”.
8 years… “8 years is a long time to live with vampires without getting killed or turned”, you said. Talking from experience. Cause just like Jeffrey said in 9x15 “Repo Man”: “It killed you”. And he’s right, isn’t he? That you are still standing, but that there nothing left of who you used to be. Your eyes not wide-eyed any longer, but haunted. Not filled with hope, but vacant. And you’re still craving touch, craving love with every fiber of your being, but you can’t allow yourself to feel it. Cause you know when you give in, it’ll swallow you whole. And you know you wouldn’t be able to get up ever again. And so you push it down, try to forget, pretend you are fine, mask the pain. Your smile has vanished. Barely anything left of the boy you used to be. “You aren’t hungry”, Famine told you once, “because inside you are already dead”. And in a way he was right. You are not hungry. Not for food or drink anyway. Not hungry for anything really - except love. And most of all you aren’t hungry for being alive. Instead you crave oblivion. Nothingness. “And ending to all this”. There is only so long you can go on without losing it, losing yourself. How you are even able to walk upright, sometimes I really wonder. All the things, all the people you lost, everything you’ve been through. All of it killed you. Bit by bit. Drop by drop of blood.
It’s not “about saving people, hunting things” any more. It’s about trying to get by, trying to find the most elegant, most redeeming way to go out. Because you still don’t think you deserve to be saved. You never believed it. But you do. Oh yes, Dean Winchester you do. Because despite everything. Despite heaven and hell, despite the mark you carry, despite all the shit you have done, the thing that makes you so special, that makes me love you so much, is still there.
Still beating in a steady “thump thump”. You might think you lost it. You might not be able to hear it. But it’s there. It is just misplaced. Buried under protective layers. Hidden under the wreckage. But your heart. Your heart is still there. Still in the middle, in the center of your entire being. Like a bird trapped in a cage. Its wings fluttering against the bars. Let it out, Dean. Allow yourself to be free. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to be saved, to save yourself. Because you are worthy. Not because you’re killer, but because you are loved.